When I came out as gay, my dad gave me a book on AIDS.
When I came out as gay, my dad gave me a book on AIDS.
This personally impacted me by introducing me to LGBTQIA+ history. At the time, HIV was a topic I had no knowledge of. Being interested in biology, I became hooked on the molecular game of cat and mouse that exists between a virus (like HIV) and its host (humans). Due to this book, I went on to study Natural Sciences, specialising in immunology and virology, then eventually to do a PhD where I studied both Herpes and HIV. I was even lectured by Dr Robin Weiss, who discovered CD4, the entry receptor of HIV who features in the text.
I wanted to publish my coming out story now, not only to coincide with Pride Month, but also at a point in time where the conservative government is rolling back sexual education. To highlight the clear and undeniable need not only for compulsory sexual education but also for LGBTQIA+ sexual education in schools. Particularly as LGBTQIA+ people appear randomly across societal groups and, thus, require/deserve universal support across cultural divides.
Figure - 1 My dad
Coming Out
My father described me as a performative child (Figure 1). I was an incredibly effeminate 8-year-old who terrorised discos dressed as a pink Power Ranger (Figure 2) and was obsessed with dresses (Figure 3).
Figure - 2 Pink power ranger
The reality was I desperately wanted to be a girl rather than a boy*. I felt a strong misalignment when adults would orient me away from feminine clothes and toys. This instilled in me a notion that as a boy, feminine characteristics were looked down upon. I took up ballet, to impress my girlfriend in year 4 and developed a swinging walk to mimic women wearing heels. A far cry from the ball-kicking, cricket-bat-wielding maniac god intended.
Figure - 3 Me in a dress. The black dog is Lily who is still very much missed.
When I was 10, the gentle nudging turned into compulsory sport (rugby, football, and cricket) and “character building” excursions. Despite being tall I had no interest and deliberately “forgot my gumshield/shinpads/shorts” at every opportunity. I was first labelled as gay at 10. An older boy explained to me in the changing rooms that his brother’s best friend was gay, and I would be gay as well. I said I would not, he said I would, I said I would not, he said I would be gay and it was nothing to be worried about. I was worried. My best friend (at the time) told me her father declared at a dinner party I was gay. I was worried. For the next 6 years, another friend from primary school would message me yearly with the question “My parents say you are gay are you gay yet?”. I was worried. It is still perplexing to me that a 50-year-old men and women would comment on a ten-year-old’s sexuality.
At the start of puberty, I was initially attracted to women but slowly became attracted to men. I came across a YouTube video that told me masturbation makes you gay. This caused internalised chaos where I believed I was making myself gay, and that I should suppress all gay urges and stop masturbating. Unfortunately, as a 13-year-old boy, I could not stop masturbating, so I started to try and convince myself I was attracted to women while blaming myself for being attracted to men. This started because I had already internalised the concept that being gay is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you. This was not only because people had labelled a pre-pubescent child as a homosexual but also because the word gay was consistently used as a negative term by my peers. Converse were gay, rulers were gay (counterintuitive I know) and Lily Allen (who I loved) was gay (she’s not). I became convinced I was becoming gay because I was constantly being told I was gay. 13 through to 16 was hell, I became introverted odd and angry. I destroyed several family photos where I perceived myself being depicted as camp, as these images triggered self-hatred. Not helped by the fact I was at a boarding** school where everyone seemed to be commenting on my sexuality and alluding to the fact, that I was gay. Which I was not, but I was.
It is hard to convey the concept of internalised repression. Essentially when I felt attracted to the same sex, I utilised my internal dialogue to repeatedly attack my inner psyche and try to convince myself I was heterosexual. I don’t lack determination, so I obliterated myself, writing lines in my head – “I AM NOT GAY”.
Until a boy at school, I barely knew got drunk and admitted to me he was attracted to men. I was drunk too and admitted to him, that I felt the same way. This moment was totally unplanned, but the weight lifted off my shoulder was colossal, repression in that instant was over. Within weeks the whole school knew. My house parent (the teacher designated to look after a boarding house) was so desperate to show he was an ally he gave me and a friend a box of jam tarts and told us – “don’t worry boys I won’t come round your rooms tonight”. Little did he know I had already started a healthy homosexual career within the shower tower (boarding school toilets).
I got drunk and spontaneously rang my mother to say I was gay at 2 am, as I felt this was the easiest way. The reaction was “That’s great darling”. I never had any feeling this would have been an issue for her. When I was very young, she had said, on the topic of marriage, that one day I would have to share my bed with a woman… or a man. I instructed her to come out as gay to my father as I did not want to do this myself. I had not wanted to interact with him directly because he had previously made derogatory comments about gay people while I was a sleeper agent - “The mess they make in hotel rooms” or “[on gay adoption] oh they are not going to do that are they”. He had even detailed witnessing horrific homosexual abuse while at boarding school.
He wrote me a letter. I do not entirely remember its contents, apart from cliches such as “Is this a phase” or that he hoped I was not being gay to get friends (oh the irony). I do remember it sat very badly with me. I made the decision to dispose of it and not read it again. Probably the most mature decision I have made in life. I followed the advice; I now give regarding LGBTQIA+ individuals coming out to their parents.
“Their first reaction is not their only reaction. You have spent years processing this and they have just found out. Although you do not deserve to take the brunt of the prejudices they have assimilated throughout their lives.”***
I do remember one line – “I hope you are not doing this to be like Grayson Perry”. I am obsessed with Grayson Perry (Figure 4) because of his pottery, wit and disregard for gender norms but he is in fact a heterosexual transvestite, so my father had missed the point.
Figure 4 - Heterosexual artist/ceramist Grayson Perry/Claire
After the letter, he gave me a book on AIDS (Randy Shilt’s And The Band Played On) and tried to ask me exactly what I was attracted to. The answer is dick, but I resolutely told him - “you would not ask this to a straight person” - and carried on with trying to figure out how a 16-year-old could procure booze.
I read the book
The author Randy Shilts (Figure 5), a homosexual reporter, documented the rise of Harvey Milk the first openly gay man to be elected to public office. He also comprehensively chronicled the early years of the AIDS crisis. Documenting the emergence of queer activists highlighting the relentless and often underappreciated efforts of the LGBTQIA+ community in the face of governmental indifference, medical inertia, and widespread prejudice. His work opened my eyes to the challenges faced by the generation LGBTQIA+ individuals who preceded me.
Figure 5 - And the Band Played on Politics, People, and the AIDS epidemic by Randy Shilts. Sadly, I lost the copy given to me so the picture was taken from the internet.
The book underscores the pivotal role of grassroots activism in raising awareness about AIDS. AIDS became associated with gay men due to it spreading through this community rapidly, as gay men have lots of sex (hell, yes), and there is a greater likelihood of contracting the virus through anal rather than vaginal sex. Due to this, AIDS was initially termed gay-related immunodeficiency (GRID). Early in the epidemic, when mainstream institutions were either apathetic or openly hostile, queer activists took it upon themselves to educate their community. They organised informational sessions, distributed literature, and held public meetings to disseminate crucial knowledge about the disease. Organisations such as the Gay Men's Health Crisis (GMHC) in New York and the San Francisco AIDS Foundation became lifelines for many, offering not only information but also practical support like hotlines, counselling, and buddy systems to assist those afflicted (both organisations are still running today).
Activists lobbied fiercely for increased funding for AIDS research and public health interventions. They staged protests and demonstrations to draw attention to the epidemic and pressured government officials into action. Groups like ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power), were designed to shock the public and media into recognising the urgency of the crisis. They put a condom inscribed with “A CONDOM TO STOP UNSAFE POLITICS: HELMS IS DEADLIER THAN A VIRUS”, over the home of North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms. To oppose Helms’ opposition to gay rights and AIDS funding (Figure 6). Mass die-ins were organised one of which was led by the artist Ray Navarro dressed as Jesus Christ who distributed condoms during mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral (Figure 7). This was powerfully depicted in the popular TV series Pose (available - here). They spread ashes of loved ones who died of AIDS over the presidential lawn. To call attention to the inaction of both Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush during the AIDS crisis. The statement being - “If you won't come to the funeral, we'll bring the funeral to you” (Figure 8). I believe this is one of the most poignant and moving pieces of activism in human history. The goal was to ensure the AIDS crisis was not ignored.
Figure 8 - Ashes Action picture from Act Up’s historical archive. Protestors spread ashes of their loved ones over the presidential lawn.
These acts of civil disobedience were instrumental in shifting public perception and policy regarding AIDS and instilled within me the resilience and power of the queer community.
My father’s perspective
I do not believe my father wanted to inspire queer activism. I believe he was in fact concerned that I would die of AIDS. Being 70 now he was 30 when the AIDS epidemic started. In 1987 once diagnosed with HIV an individual was thought to have 9.4 months to live. By the year 2000 people living with HIV in the UK were thought to have lost 22 years of their life. He saw the fear generated by public service announcements such as the infamous AIDS monolith (Figure 9) and the generalised hostility that pushed back LGBTQIA+ rights. Same-sex marriage has only been legal in Great Britain for 10 years. He was 13 when the sexual offences act decriminalised private homosexual acts between men aged over 21. This overturned the Buggery Act of 1533 passed by King Henry VIII. It was not until 2001 that the age of consent for same-sex encounters was equalised to heterosexuals. In 1991, 169 men who’d had sex with another man were convicted of underage sex in England and Wales, and 13 of them were sent to prison.
Figure - 9 British Government's AIDS: Don’t Die of Ignorance campaign.
The book’s title is a reference to the sinking of the Titanic and an expression used to describe the deliberate masking or downplaying of an impending calamity by authorities (thank you Wikipedia for the definition). Years after being given the book, a series of comments my father made directly after I came out filtered back to me through family members. The most poignant being– “I wish I could just edit out the gay gene”. Surely this is my iceberg. Shortly after he got over the initial shock of siring a homosexual, we found common ground. There is still a part of me that is filled with intense homosexual rage, but luckily, this book did not sink me and my father’s relationship. Upon reflection, I have come to the realisation Anthony (my dad) is also highly performative and incredibly camp. Not only when throwing a roast dinner out of the window to make an inexplicable point about food wastage (it was a pork loin) but also in his historical proclivity for embracing drag (revealed by family footage). Running around in his mother’s garments (Figure 10) and dressing as Camilla Fritton the headmaster of St Trinian’s School for Uncontrollable Girls (Figure 11). A turning point for us was when he let me insert him into a pair of fishnets and photograph him in the bath (Figure 12). Quite frankly, drag is in the Blest genes.
Figure 10 - My father in a dress.
Figure 11 - My father dressed as Camilla Fritton
Figure 12 - My father’s photoshoot in drag.
Through all of these moments when growing up, when asked what it was like to come out, I felt an odd pressure to always say it’s been very easy and I have not faced homophobia. I believe that the general population in the UK feels homophobia is a thing of history. This is the reason I want to be transparent about the challenges I have faced. I want to state very clearly: homophobia persists. As a medical scientist, I hope to improve the lives of queer people by working to improve LGBTQIA+ sexual health. This is why I have taken a vow to not stop talking about anal douching. I am commonly told “It is not the time or the place” but frankly, these problems persist because it has never been the time or the place. If queer history has taught me anything, it is that no one is more effective than a pissed-off homosexual.
We need LGBTQIA+ sex education now.
Being gay is the best thing that ever happened to me. The moment I admitted to myself I was attracted to men was the moment I came out of self-imposed repression. I had suppressed any part of me that felt same-sex attraction or the effeminate tendencies I displayed that led others to question my sexuality. Despite feeling same-sex attraction, I internally denied these feelings and tried (and failed) to convince myself I was attracted to women. A phycological hell driven by the general attitude surrounding homosexual people and how awful it would be to be gay. “And The Band Played On” set me on the path to become a virologist and militant homosexual running an anal sex company (Polari Group). This I am sure was not what my father intended but I can now say he is proud of me and what I do. Although he is uncertain about my vow to not stop talking about anal douching. This Christmas, he exclaimed while slamming his fists into the table - “No more fucking anal sex, I have had enough of fucking anal sex, its fucking Christmas” (Figure sadly not available).
I was lucky that in this moment any negative connotations that came with the passing of the book went straight over my head. Instead, I learnt about the emotive struggle facing the community that preceded me and could see the progress that has been made. The trauma I experienced during internalised repression could have been avoided if the societal norm was that you figure out what you are attracted to as you go through puberty. Rather than the default being heterosexuality. The first step towards this is adequate sexual education within schools to ensure LGBTQIA+ individuals are taught early on that same-sex attraction is natural. Unbelievably I am writing this at a time when the government has decided to roll back sexual education. LGBTQIA+ individuals can appear in any family with those who are most at risk of living repressed lives being from conservative backgrounds where homosexuality is viewed as shameful. This is why it is clear there should more compulsory sex education that is inclusive of LGBTQIA+ individuals so they do not grow up thinking there is something inexplicably wrong with them. My advice to individuals who do not want to have a queer child is clear – don’t have children. My advice to the government – don’t mess with the gays.
This book instilled a drive to rally against inbuilt societal pressures that suppress queer people and led to me starting the Polari Group with my co-founder Anna Vybornova. Here we believe when it comes to anal douching– “for the love of Jennifer Coleridge there must be a better way”. So we make products that allow spontaneous feces-free sex while also avoiding the medical concerns associated with douching.
I would like to thank Anna Vybornova and the Polari Group team for inspiring me to talk publicly about my experiences and Diahala Doucouré for the session on short story writing… unfortunately, when I started, I could not stop.
Ps – I tried to include the prostate exam story unfortunately I could not make it fit so I am sure this will be shared with LinkedIn at a later date. Stay tuned…
*My gender identity is queer. I am very happy (thanks for asking) and still feel a strong pull towards drag (Supplementary materials).
⬆Supplementary materials. Me and my sister in Oxford.
**Acknowledgement of privilege – I have faced the challenges spoken about here, but I want to acknowledge that I am from a privileged background and have an incredibly supportive family network. This article is not to elicit sympathy but rather to highlight the struggles that queer people can face in life. I am aware that others facing similar prejudice from different backgrounds have faced much darker days, persecution, disownment, and physical danger.
***I am not intending to force people to have a relationship with their parents if the healthiest thing is to walk away. My father has been a hugely academically and pastorally supportive of me. Hence this was a relationship I did not want to lose. This is why personally I am glad I did not take his initial response at face value.
Support
Living with HIV - The Terrence Higgins Trust offers emotional support if you are worried about your sexual health or have concerns about living with HIV. They can help you access services local to you across the UK. See their resource – here.
How to come out - The Trevor Project provides guidelines on “how to come out”. See their resources – here.
